Can't Take The Effect And Make It The Cause

Hey friends. I apologize for my lack of normalcy in posting (and everything else for that matter). I have been thinking about posting, about what might interest or benefit you and/or me (since "you" meaning readers may not so much exist), and though ideas have popped up throughout the week, they seem to disappear again the minute my fingers touch the keys, like some crazy game of thought/blog whack-a-mole. I'll go with what I can remember.

I had my doctor's appointment on Tuesday night. It was the usual combination of good, disappointing, and strange. It breaks down something like this:

Good- For the most part, when not trying to psycho-analyze or inspire me, my doctor listened to me and genuinely seems to want to help. I now have prescriptions for everything I need with refills for a few months (true of everything except my rescue med, which I currently have but since he had recently called it in for me I was too shy to ask for another script so I could have refills in the future when I need them. That was mistake number one, and I haven't figured out how to fix it yet.) He gave me paperwork to get a cervical spine x-ray, bloodwork, and a hard cervical collar, as he believes my migraines are "50% posture, 50% personal conflict" (which yes, I found 50% offensive and will get into later). I'm supposed to wear the collar the entire 8-10 hour drive to LA to prevent a migraine being triggered from jostling about in the car. I hope this works because I'm going to feel (and look) like a bit of an idiot.

Disappointing- Didn't get a refill for my rescue, didn't talk about all the things I wanted to (NTI, Botox) because I was so distracted by his psychological probing. That 50% he mentioned falls here under disappointing as well, particularly because though I respect him and he is indeed a very intelligent doctor, he is *not* a psychiatrist or psychologist, and I don't really appreciate him deciding that every other doctor and neurologist and yes, *psychiatrist* I've ever seen was wrong and my migraines are actually indeed somehow a result of a mental state or past trauma. I know stress can trigger, but it is not the cause. I can pull the trigger on a gun all I want but if there are no bullets in it to begin with I can't very well fire a shot. My mental state is not the bullet, even though it can assist in a trigger pull. Makes sense, right? Apparently not to everyone. Ugh.

Strange- My doctor is a self-proclaimed "Man of Education" and will only continue to treat me if I take a class at the community college next semester (any class) and pass with a B or better. He will even give me a free appointment (I pay out of pocket and it's NOT cheap) so I can put that money toward tuition/expenses. I have to, of course, prove that I am enrolled in the class and show him my final grade, and I have to begin in January. I understand where he's going with this, and that he's trying to help, but does it seem to anyone else like a bit of a power trip? My boyfriend was also a bit annoyed because he says pretty much anything you can learn in school you can learn in a book and a degree is not an accurate measure of intelligence (but yes he has a bachelor's whereas I only have an associate's). This doctor has his own private practice and doesn't accept insurance, is widely sought out and fully booked, so basically he can pick and choose his patients. He's done something similar with other patients- making them get their GED, etc. I already have up to an associate's though, and he wanted to try and make me go to the local university, but I failed out a few years ago and so I have to get a certain GPA at another institution before I can go back. He said to me, "What was your excuse? Your headaches?" and I told him that no, it was fully a mental/emotional thing, and that I hadn't blamed my head, and that my parents knew it had come down to choice and somewhat self-inflicted nervous breakdowns. However, when he said that, I seriously questioned whether he took me seriously. What I don't understand is why if he thinks it's all or mostly or even 50% in my head why he is making me take Topamax every day? Does this make sense to you? Is it an extreme commitment to the placebo effect? Ugh, I don't understand, and quite frankly I'm too intimidated when face to face to ask, and I think he's tired of me hiding behind my email.

Suggestions? Please?

For your listening pleasure, an appropriate song:

Effect & Cause by The White Stripes

Day of Rest

"The haze clears from your eyes on a Sunday..."

She's alive! Appropriately enough for a Sunday, I have risen from the depths of a migraine as Lazarus from the depths of the grave. I cannot emphasize enough how thankful I am to have a good doctor again, one who cares and makes himself available and has suffered himself from some kind of chronic or nasty headache disorder. This is invaluable, and I hope everyone with migraines can find a likewise empathetic doctor.

Happy Sunday, friends. May the road rise up to meet you, and may that road be migraine-free! ;)

A Sunday by Jimmy Eat World

Here Lies Pollyanna...

With every knee bending throb and shame inducing gag, the Pollyanna in me dies a little. 

But I swear I'm trying.



And, because I'm OCD, here you go:

Where Is My Mind? by The Pixies

We Can Be Happy Underground

I've hit that 2pm lull at work. 2-close (6:30) is definitely the longest part of the day, especially considering I've been here since 8:45am, and especially especially (redundant much?) because my head hurts. SO! Continuing on my attempts to rival Pollyanna despite invisible gnomes mining* for gold with their picks and jackhammers in my eye and my stomach mimicking a washer on spin cycle, I've decided to post some more. (I know! Lucky you! KIDDING.)   First, a questionnaire for my migraine friends:


1. Age at first migraine:


2. Anything you learned from that first one and/or can look back and smile at now?


3. Weirdest thing you've seriously considered doing to get rid of a migraine:


4. Weirdest things you've done in attempt to find relief:


5. Worst thing you've had to do with a migraine:

6. Nicest thing anyone has ever done for/said to you during a migraine:

7. If your typical migraine was a color, it would be:

8. Worst medicine you've ever tried for migraine:

9. Best medicine you've ever tried for migraine:

10. A job a person prone to migraines should definitely avoid would be:

11. A job a person with migraines might thrive at or enjoy would be:

12. If it meant you didn't have to have them anymore, would you give your migraines to someone else? Why/why not?

13. If you find music soothing during any stage of a migraine, what would your ideal "Migraine Mix" consist of?

14. If you could only pick one essential pharmacological item and one essential non-pharma item to help your migraines, what would you choose?

15. If you could ensure that people knew ONE thing about your migraines, what would it be?

16. A question you would've added to this list is:


I'd love to have your answers! If you are so kind as to supply them, write down yours before you scroll down to see mine. :)







Here are my answers:


1. Age at first migraine: Don't honestly know as I can't remember life before. My mom says about 2 or 3.


2. Anything you learned from that first one and/or can look back and smile at now? I think it's funny that I didn't know seeing spots from an aura wasn't normal.


3. Weirdest thing you've seriously considered doing to get rid of a migraine: Somehow rendering myself unconscious or removing my eye with a melon baller.

4. Weirdest things you've done in attempt to find relief: Tie between eating a handful of jalapenos at once (serious mistake, hello desperation) and submerging my head in a bucket of ice for as long as possible (natural vasoconstrictor? ::facepalm::).


5. Worst thing you've had to do with a migraine: I've probably repressed the true worst thing, but the first that comes to mind is

6. Nicest thing anyone has ever done for/said to you during a migraine: Simply stayed with me, tried to take care of me without being overbearing, read to me.

7. If your typical migraine was a color, it would be: Gray.

8. Worst medicine you've ever tried for migraine: Gabitril. Grand-mal seizures are decidedly uncool.

9. Best medicine you've ever tried for migraine: Zofran as far as nausea goes, Midrin for aborting if caught at the exact right second, and Dilaudid for rescue (for worst).

10. A job a person prone to migraines should definitely avoid would be: Hmm... Quality tester for a strobe light company.

11. A job a person with migraines might thrive at or enjoy would be:  Trust fund baby. lol ;)

12. If it meant you didn't have to have them anymore, would you give your migraines to someone else? Why/why not?  Definitely not permanently, but maybe once if the person really really wanted to know what it was like.

13. If you find music soothing during any stage of a migraine, what would your ideal "Migraine Mix" consist of?  I'm sure this list would constantly change, but for now I'll go with: "Daysleeper" by R.E.M., "How's Your Head?" by Third Day, "Age Six Racer" and "Anyone, Anyone" by Dashboard Confessional, "#41" by Dave Matthews Band, "Brightly Wound" by Eisley, "Eyes On Fire" by Blue Foundation, "Anna Begins" by Counting Crows.

14. If you could only pick one essential pharmacological item and one essential non-pharma item to help your migraines, what would you choose? Zofran and... my bed?

15. If you could ensure that people knew ONE thing about you and your migraines, what would it be? That I will always act at least 2x better than I feel because some stupid part of me feels the need to be tough inspite of pain.

16. A question you would've added to this list is: What is your best advice for a fellow migraineur?


And your song? Because it makes me smile:

Underground by Ben Folds Five




*It took me 5 minutes to come up with the word "mining." I hate you, Topamax. I HATE you. ::sigh::

For Me, This Is Heaven... (or a bit less hellish)

"This is what she says gets her through it: If I don't let myself be happy now then when? If not now when?"

I was reading someone else's migraine blog yesterday and I read about how they decided that there were just going to be days they were in pain but that they weren't going to let it stop their life. This is how I have been feeling lately, and I thought the above Jimmy Eat World lyrics captured it well. So yes, I can't completely see the computer screen right now (see also: spotty aura, forgive the typos), but here are some helpful products on my personal migraine front:

Giovanni Tea Tree Triple Treat Shampoo & Conditioner

-Wonderfully invigorating. Makes the scalp tingly and helps the blood flow. Lovely minty scent. Organic, no sulfates, no animal byproducts or testing. Very soothing during a migraine!

Happy Camper

A lovely blend of herbal goodness (including: Passion Flower, Kava Kava, Eleuthero, Gotu Kola, Kola Nut, Schisandra, Wood Betony, and English Lavender), because every migraineur can use a little help finding the silver lining (and I don't mean the one you see because a migraine is coming on!).

Reed's Ginger Candy

A sweet and spicy treat that naturally helps with inflammation, nausea, and upset stomach.

Mrs. Meyer's Clean Day products

These are fabulous because they clean without harmful (and often triggering) chemicals. They are also aromatherapeutic and come in scents like lavender, geranium, basil, etc.

Less Drowsy Dramamine (Meclizine HCl)

When my insurance is being fickle (as it is wont to do) and won't cover my nausea meds, this is a pretty decent OTC substitute.

Amino Fuel by Twinlab

A fast-absorbing liquid protein substitute for when I need protein to keep from getting a hypoglycemic headache but am on the go or not feeling particularly like eating. A serving size is 3 tbs, so it's basically a quick few swallows. Not awesome tasting, but definitely not horrible. Doable unrefrigerated, but loads better when taken cold.

Coconut Water

This is a great way to stay hydrated or get much needed electrolytes when dehydrated. Doesn't have to be refrigerated before opened but I'm definitely partial to it cold. If you're like me and don't like the taste of coconut, find one combined with another flavor like pomegranate, peach, or my favorite, pineapple.

Well, hope these things are helpful. I can see the screen now, but of course this means my eye is throbbing and my stomach is sick, so I think it's stop time (relatively, since I have to work). Doctor's appointment on Tuesday, so hoping and praying for the best! Hope you all are well as can be! And as tradition goes, I leave you with a song:

For Me This Is Heaven by Jimmy Eat World

Case of the Mondays

Woke up after a few hours of sleep. Surprise! Migraine. Not much in the mood and would probably just whine, so I'll leave you with a great (and fitting) song instead: "Monday Monday Monday" by my ever-loved Tegan & Sara.

Monday Monday Monday on vimeo 
(strange video, just fyi)


"Oh and I say damn your mood swings, damn your mood swings..."

Back to Square One (Yes, Adrian, it's good to be home)

Hello world, hello new blog. Hello another day of migraines. 

Lately as I've been lying in bed alternating between hazy sleep and restless writhing, searching my brain and the internet for ANY migraine remedies I might be able to get my hands on that I somehow have not tried in 20year+ lifetime of migraines, I think of others out there feeling the same way. I wonder if they, too, do the obsessive and fruitless Google searches, try every OTC remedy the drugstore has to offer, and have tried every suggestion from normal (getting your eyes checked, going to a chiropractor...) to... well... desperate (submerging your head in a bucket of ice, burning the inside of your nose with capsaicin...). As a break from remedy research- or rather, as tangent because of it- I've taken to reading "migraine blogs". I'm interested in seeing what other peoples' lives are like when they are colored by migraine. I want to see how they cope. I want to see how others treat them and how they respond. And yes, of course, I'm hoping they'll have found the miracle cure that has so far eluded me. 

I've noticed that each person mentioned at some point how writing about their migraines was a helpful coping mechanism, despite the piercing fluorescent glow of the screen. Another woman took to art, taking photographs that spoke to her of "migraine moods" and drawing pain-centered comics and "migraine monsters". Looking at these fun little pencil sketches made me wish I did something- anything- productive with my migraines, even if the only person it amused was me. I thought about the little plush animals I will sometimes hand-sew and thought perhaps I could make my own kind of migraine monster, but the thought of that much... well... thought only made my head hurt worse. For now this is the best I can do, this rambling blog that may be like my old Xanga and carry on for years or- more likely- be like every other project I try and enthusiastically get halfway through step one before being completely abandoned. But for now, I'll leave you with my latest migraine-related obsession: "Daysleeper' by R.E.M.

Daysleeper music video

"My night is colored headache gray..."