Hey friends. I apologize for my lack of normalcy in posting (and everything else for that matter). I have been thinking about posting, about what might interest or benefit you and/or me (since "you" meaning readers may not so much exist), and though ideas have popped up throughout the week, they seem to disappear again the minute my fingers touch the keys, like some crazy game of thought/blog whack-a-mole. I'll go with what I can remember.
I had my doctor's appointment on Tuesday night. It was the usual combination of good, disappointing, and strange. It breaks down something like this:
Good- For the most part, when not trying to psycho-analyze or inspire me, my doctor listened to me and genuinely seems to want to help. I now have prescriptions for everything I need with refills for a few months (true of everything except my rescue med, which I currently have but since he had recently called it in for me I was too shy to ask for another script so I could have refills in the future when I need them. That was mistake number one, and I haven't figured out how to fix it yet.) He gave me paperwork to get a cervical spine x-ray, bloodwork, and a hard cervical collar, as he believes my migraines are "50% posture, 50% personal conflict" (which yes, I found 50% offensive and will get into later). I'm supposed to wear the collar the entire 8-10 hour drive to LA to prevent a migraine being triggered from jostling about in the car. I hope this works because I'm going to feel (and look) like a bit of an idiot.
Disappointing- Didn't get a refill for my rescue, didn't talk about all the things I wanted to (NTI, Botox) because I was so distracted by his psychological probing. That 50% he mentioned falls here under disappointing as well, particularly because though I respect him and he is indeed a very intelligent doctor, he is *not* a psychiatrist or psychologist, and I don't really appreciate him deciding that every other doctor and neurologist and yes, *psychiatrist* I've ever seen was wrong and my migraines are actually indeed somehow a result of a mental state or past trauma. I know stress can trigger, but it is not the cause. I can pull the trigger on a gun all I want but if there are no bullets in it to begin with I can't very well fire a shot. My mental state is not the bullet, even though it can assist in a trigger pull. Makes sense, right? Apparently not to everyone. Ugh.
Strange- My doctor is a self-proclaimed "Man of Education" and will only continue to treat me if I take a class at the community college next semester (any class) and pass with a B or better. He will even give me a free appointment (I pay out of pocket and it's NOT cheap) so I can put that money toward tuition/expenses. I have to, of course, prove that I am enrolled in the class and show him my final grade, and I have to begin in January. I understand where he's going with this, and that he's trying to help, but does it seem to anyone else like a bit of a power trip? My boyfriend was also a bit annoyed because he says pretty much anything you can learn in school you can learn in a book and a degree is not an accurate measure of intelligence (but yes he has a bachelor's whereas I only have an associate's). This doctor has his own private practice and doesn't accept insurance, is widely sought out and fully booked, so basically he can pick and choose his patients. He's done something similar with other patients- making them get their GED, etc. I already have up to an associate's though, and he wanted to try and make me go to the local university, but I failed out a few years ago and so I have to get a certain GPA at another institution before I can go back. He said to me, "What was your excuse? Your headaches?" and I told him that no, it was fully a mental/emotional thing, and that I hadn't blamed my head, and that my parents knew it had come down to choice and somewhat self-inflicted nervous breakdowns. However, when he said that, I seriously questioned whether he took me seriously. What I don't understand is why if he thinks it's all or mostly or even 50% in my head why he is making me take Topamax every day? Does this make sense to you? Is it an extreme commitment to the placebo effect? Ugh, I don't understand, and quite frankly I'm too intimidated when face to face to ask, and I think he's tired of me hiding behind my email.
Suggestions? Please?
For your listening pleasure, an appropriate song:
Effect & Cause by The White Stripes
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